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7 Signs of Long Term Incompatibility

7 Signs of Long Term Incompatibility

Breaking down the warning signs we often don't want to see when it comes to vetting a man for a long term relationship.

 Some things can't be fixed.

1.  Marriage

When women think long term relationships (LTR), they most often equate it to marriage.  The truth today is that there are a lot of men out there that have grown to realize that Family Law is skewed against men.  Men equate marriage to being ultimately susceptible to being screwed over in life.  It is common to hear from men that they are never getting married (or remarried).  It only takes the heartbreaking example of his own divorced parents or a good friend who was stripped of his marriage, his kids, half his income and his house because his wife woke up one day and decided she wasn't "happy" anymore. 

If you think that you can change a man's mind about marriage, you can't.  If you think that if you are the best girlfriend in the world and act perfectly in expectation that the behavior will pay off in the form of a ring, you're wrong.   A man can only change his own mind, and most don't once they have decided on their path in life.  They have the saying "You can get on the train or hop off, but this train is leaving the station with or without you." Not many women can get on board with that, but the brutal honesty is refreshing.

2.  Children

Women who marry a man who has stated that he never wants kids and has even gone so far as to mention getting a vasectomy, is not going to wake up one day and realize that he was wrong and he totally wants 9.    Best case scenario - you can't have kids (or don't want them), so great! Worst case, you operate on the assumption that he will "grow out of it" and once he hit's 35 he'll be wanting to put a bun in the oven faster than he can say the words "paternity fraud".

If you have always had a lifelong dream of being a housewife and raising a family, and your man doesn't want kids...he's not the guy for you.  Some things you can compromise on - this isn't one of them.  And don't even think about "tricking" him into getting you pregnant.  Unless you want to be a single mom.

3.  Money

No, I'm not talking about how much money he has, I'm talking about fiscal responsibility.  If you take pride in paying bills on time and having a 750 credit score, and you realize your man is getting his phone turned off every 4 weeks because he 'forgot' to pay his bill, it's time to reassess  your compatibility. 

Couples usually fall into two schools of thought when it comes to managing finances. 

The first is collaborative. You have separate accounts and work out a plan to either schedule who pays what and when.  This only works, of course, if you both have sources of income and are equally responsible to hold up your ends of the deal.  You also have control over your own savings contributions and spending money allowances. This tends to be the least stressful overall.   

The second is authoritarian.  All of the money goes in one big pot and one person is responsible for making sure the bills get paid on time.  Traditionally this was the man of house's job, but as times change and the world is banking online, using credit/debit cards for everything and things are difficult as ever to track of, this can be done by whichever person is the best at budgeting, scheduling, and keeping track of things.  Basically, the partner with the time enough to dedicate to the task.  This can be very stressful for this person however, and can lead to frustration as spending is "discovered" or new accounts are opened unbeknownst to them.

Whatever works for you is going to be a unique setup made up of compromises. Just know that if you both are not on board with how you want to live your financial lives, it will infect your overall happiness.

4.  Sex

Easy one right?  Nope. Have you ever been with your partner or spouse and discovered months or even years into the relationship, a kink or sex act he wants to do that makes you go OH NO NO NO NO….  It happens all the time and has been the demise of many relationships.  Why?  Because if something in the bedroom he wants to do on a regular or even infrequent basis disgusts you, you are going to lose respect for him followed by loss of love. You cannot love a man you don't respect.

Before you invest in a man for the long term, figure this out and ask direct questions.  Is there anything he has or hasn't done that he wants to do but hasn't mentioned to you yet?  What kind of porn does he prefer? (Best answer, none.)  Does he have a secret stash of sex toys, gadgets or gear you might stumble upon?  Does he have a past history of bisexuality or group sex?  Get it out in the open, because finding that stuff out later can be a deal breaker.

5.  Travel

If you really want to know if you are compatible with someone, go on vacation with them for a week to a place neither have you have been before and do things that neither of you two have done before.  This can be the best trip of your life or you worst nightmare, for both men and for women.  True colors come to light when we are uncomfortable and out of our element.

Have you ever been on a trip with a family member, friend, or ex and all they did was COMPLAIN? Or worse, drink too much, sleep most of the time, not want to do anything, whine about the food, etc and yet you are in one of the most beautiful places in the world?  I'm telling you, within the first few months of a relationship, get away for as long as you can.  If you both have things planned out and bring the best out in one another, you may have a winning combination.  Or it could be the worst week of your lives.  Only one way to find out!

6.  Food & Drink

While we are talking about food and drink, this is another important sign of long term compatibility.  If you are dating a guy who has a laundry list of food allergies or things he can't or doesn't like to eat, it can feel like you are feeding a child rather than a man.  Not having compatible pallets makes more work for both of you and is a time suck.  Women get immense pleasure out of making a man happy with food, and not being able to do that can become a problem.

Having healthy habits transcends food and is even more important when it comes to alcohol consumption.  It's funny how "social" drinkers are the ones bringing the alcohol to just about every event or only shows up when alcohol is being served.  It's not funny when you see a couple drunk fighting in public.  It's not funny when she starts talking crap about him and starts behaving like an obnoxious teenager.  Sure letting loose now and then is fine, however if you don't get along when you are drunk or if he's a nasty or an abusive drunk, it's time jump on the wagon or get out the door.

7.  Health

People often start relationships without telling the whole story when it comes to their long term health.  Is it only when you move in together do you find out he is diabetic or on performance enhancing drugs?  Not good.  I am not saying that health problems (past or present) are an indicator of long term incompatibility, but hiding them is. 

Physical fitness must be something you both are on board with long term as well - but what level does he expect from you? These are important conversations to have. If my man required that I run a marathon with him every 3 months, I would have tried...and then I would have died. A man should care about your well-being and you should want him to.

Mental health is equally an important subject to get out in the open.  Have you been diagnosed BPD and think that you can 'hide' it?  Does he have a history of depression, anxiety, or anger?  When you join forces with someone long terms it is important to understand what makes them tick and what causes them to behave in certain ways.   Failure to do so will result in later calamities as you tell yourself "I can't do this anymore!" after a bad week.

These are just a few of the long term relationship incompatibility issues couples may face.  Ultimately you have to decide if your expectations are exceeding what you bring to the table as well.  Never expect a man to change FOR YOU. More importantly, you shouldn't want him to change if you are compatible.

If you have any more examples of signs of long term incompatibility please tell us in the comments below!

Be well.
 --RRPW

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